Les Mis on the Pill
by MissFiyerabaMeponineSherlock
Summary: Les Mis written by a sleep-deprived and very drowsy (due to sleeping pills) me. Hilarity ensues.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so right now I'm pretty tired. Just took my sleeping pill and I can feel the effects. My mind has slowed down and my vision is all like woah. So let's see what happens when I write like this. (I can barely see the keyboard :P)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Les Mis or the characters**

_Volume 1 Fantine _

So this one time, in Toulon, a guy named Jean Valjean was on parole after being in jail for 19 years because he stole a loaf of bread and tried to escape a couple of times. At first, Valjean thought he was finally free. But then, Police Inspector Javert showed up and told him, "NO! You are not free, you never will be free, and if you ever break parole I will hunt you down for the rest of existance because reasons. Also, my name is Javert. Remember that." And then Valjean left and stole some silver from a kindly old bishop He was caught rather quickly, but the Bishop let him keep the silver as well as two freaking awesome candlesticks because God. So Valjean decided to become a better man. He moved to Montreuil-sur-Mer and did some stuff and eventually became the mayor as well as the owner of the most successful factory.

Fantine was a really pretty girl who had long blonde hair and pearly white teeth. She also had an illegitimate daughter whom she gave all her money to named Euphrasie that somehow ended up being called Cosette. Cosette's father had run off and then ends up becoming really fat. But Cosette didn't live with Fantine. Fantine had sent her off to live with the Thenardier family after having one conversation with Monsieur and Madame Thenardier. They treated Cosette horribly, but treated their own two daughters, Azelma and Eponine, like royalty. The Thenardiers never used any of the money Fantine sent on Cosette. They often hit her and made her clean. Anyway, so Fantine was really pretty and the factory foreman noticed this and he wanted her, but she refused because she's Fantine and she gets fired and then goes and sells her hair, some teeth, and then becomes a prostitute. At this point, she must have realised that if she had just slept with the factory foreman, none of this would have been a problem. DAMN IT FANTINE, YOU HAD ONE JOB! Oh and Fantine was also getting very sick and she was dying! She also almost got arrested because some guy wanted to buy her services but she didn't want him so shoved some snow down her dress and she scratched him. And then Javert came along and tried to arrest her. But then the kindly old mayor who was really Valjean but who called himself Madeleine brought her to the hospital and promised to bring her her daughter. But then Javert recognised Valjean because he saw him lift a heavy thing off of some villager and then remembered that he couldn't be Valjean because Valjean was already caught. He told this to Valjean who decided to stop having multiple personalities disorder and just be Valjean (instead of having an awesome life as mayor) and then he went and told the court that he's Valjean and that they should free that other guy. So they did.

Valjean went to the dying Fantine and promises that he'll look after her child. Fantine then died because of death. Javert walked in and was all like, "Get over here, bitch, I'm gonna arrest you." But then Valjean's all like,

"Bitch please, you can't arrest me." and he knocks him out and then goes to Montfermeil to get Cosette and Fantine gets thrown into a public grave.

**And that's all you need to know about Volume 1**


	2. Chapter 2

**MUHNURMANURMANURMA! I'm back all of you people that read my insanity! On to volume II**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Les Mis, nor do I own the characters. But I do own my own crazy, sleep-deprived, drugged self.**

Volume II Cosette

So some stuff happened and there are a bunch of chapters on Napoleon. Then you find out that Thenardier 'saved' some guy named Colonel Georges Pontmercy and that's gonna be important later, so remember that. Oh, and he didn't _really_ save him, he was robbing his 'corpse' when he woke up, so Thenardier told him that he saved him. Anyway, so Valjean ended up in Montfermeil, where the Thenardiers and Cosette lived. AND COSETTE WAS REALLY UGLY, VICTOR HUGO EVEN SAID SO! And Valjean ended up finding Cosette while she was out getting some water from the well in the wood because Madame Thenardier was a bitch. Anyway, so he took her bucket of water from her and asked her to show him where she lived and she was all like "Sure, complete stranger. Why not?"

At the Thenardier inn, Valjean ate some food and watched how the Thenardiers pampered their daughters but abused Cosette and he was all like DAYUMN! So he paid the Thenardiers to let Cosette play. But Cosette didn't have any toys, just a wooden sword and a rag thingy that was more like a towel, but Cosette seemed to think it was a doll. COSETTE, WHAT WERE YOU SMOKING? And then Eponine and Azelma started playing with their cat instead of their doll and then Cosette went and took the doll and started to play with it like a boss. But then Azelma and Eponine noticed and were mad at Cosette for taking their dolly. So Valjean went and bought Cosette a really expensive doll that probably cost more than a human soul and gave it to Cosette, who named it Catherine. Eponine and Azelma were jealous of the beautiful doll and this made Madame Thenardier mad at Valjean and Cosette. But Thenardier didn't care because money.

The next day, Valjean bought Cosette from the Thenardiers for 1, 500 francs, not unlike someone would buy a slave. Thenardier pretended to love Cosette, even though he was clearly just after Valjean's money, but 1, 500 francs ended up being the final price. So Valjean and Cosette left and then Madame Thenardier reprimanded Thenardier for not getting more money because Madame Thenardier was a bitch. So then, Thenardier chased after them but ended up getting scared off by Valjean. Thenardier ended up wishing that he had brought his gun with him, even though Valjean would be too much of a boss to get scared by a gun.

Valjean and Cosette moved to Paris and lived in the Gorbeau House for a while (remember this, it will also be important later on). But then Javert found them! DUN DUN DUN! And so they fled and ended up in the Petit-Picpus convent. The gardener recognised Valjean as Madeleine and got him a job there at the convent and Cosette ended up becoming a student. Then there are bunch of chapters about the daily life in a convent. Oh, and Cosette grew up.

**And that concludes volume II**


	3. Chapter 3

**Heeyyyyyy! I'm baaack! Sorry that it took so long for this chapter to come into existance, I ran out of sleeping pills. But I got mooore! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! **

**Disclaimer: Why is my ceiling staring at me? **

**Oh, yeah, and I don't own Les Mis or the characters**

_Volume III Marius_

Okay, so now things just like take a huge leap forward in time by like 8 years. And here come the BARRICADE BOYS! YAY! And they're all like "Revolution, bitches!" And then there's Marius, who leaves his rich grandfathers house because some huge thing with him not knowing his father because of reasons that are too confusing to me at the moment. So then Marius finds a note from his dead father (the one that Thenardier saved) that says that Marius needs to do anything he can for Thenardier. Marius is just like "Okay, sure, this seems completely logical. I will help this person."

So Marius sees Cosette a few times (though the first time he sees her, he doesn't really think much of her because it was before she turns beautiful. Think of that what you will) in some garden and he falls in love with her without knowing her name and Valjean drops a handkerchief with the intials U.F (Ultime Fauchelevant) and Marius thinks it's Cosette's. He assumes her name is Ursule as it is the only female name that starts with a U, apparently. Also, Marius is living in a really run down apartment known as the Gorbeau building, which just so happens to be where the Thenardiers live. COINCIDENCE? He even pays their rent once because reasons.

So Eponine, who's now like really poor, goes to see him and gives him a letter from her father (also, they're going by the last name of Jondrette) and Marius recognises the letter to be from the same person as the package of letters he found. Oh, and she tries to impress him. AWW, EPONINE! She writes on a piece of paper "The cops are here" Marius pities her and gives her some money and the other letters. When she leaves, Marius decides to be really creepy and he spies of the Jondrettes through a hole in the wall. STALKER! He watches as Eponine returns and says something about a philanthropist (Valjean) and Thenardier breaks some things to make them look ever poorer and he makes poor Azelma smash a window with her hand. Marius' watches as Valjean and Cosette enter and give them some food and clothes and stuff, but not much money. When they leave, Marius asks Eponine to find Cosette for him, which she agrees to do because he is the only one that's actually nice to her and she loves him. DAMNIT MARIUS, JUST FORGET ABOUT COSETTE AND LOVE EPONINE!

Anyways, so the Thenardiers recognised Valjean and Cosette and so they get the Patron Minette to help with some scheme. Marius overhears and enlists the help of... Guess who? INSPECTOR JAVERT! Javert gives him some pistols so that he can fire them when he fears things are getting too bad and then Javert and some other cops would arrest the Thenardiers.

So the Thenardiers tie Valjean up when he comes (oh and Eponine and Azelma are on look out) and they go on and on about how they want money and stuff because everyone knows that Thenardier loves money more than 5 000 000 000 human souls. And then, just as Marius is about to fire one of the pistols, he finds out that Jondrette is Thenardier, the one that 'saved' his father at Waterloo. So then he's all like "Oh no, I can't send the man that saved my father to jail." so he doesn't, but he does throw in the piece of paper that Eponine wrote on, saying "The cops are here". But Javert shows up anyway and arrests Thenardier and the Patron Minette and Eponine and Azelma, but Valjean is all ninja and gets away.

**And that's all that happened in Volume III**


	4. Chapter 4

**Helllooooooooooooooooooooooo!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Les Mis or the people that are called characters**

_Volume IV The Idyll in the Rue Plumet and the Epic in the Rue St. Denis_

So Eponine gets released from prison and she finds Marius and she's all like "Oh Marius, I love you so much!" except that she doesn't say that. And she's described as beautiful! And then she's really sad when she tells Marius where Cosette lives because she loves him so much but he's too blind to notice even though it's blatantly obvious. She watches the house sadly for a few days after Cosette and Marius meet and have this huge conversation about how they love eachother, at the end of which they ask for eachother's name. So yeah.

And then, one night, Thenardier and the Patron Minette decide to get money from Valjean by breaking into his house. But Eponine is like a total badass and she scares them away by threatening to scream. Meanwhile, Cosette tells Marius that she and Valjean are gonna move to England in a week and Marius is all depressed because this girl he's just met is gonna move away. And then Valjean gets a note that says 'move out' so he and Cosette end up going to No. 5 Rue de l'Homme Armé. Cosette sends some guy to deliver a letter to Marius explaining this. Oh, and Marius asks his grandfather if he can marry Cosette, but Gillenormand tells him to make her his mistress. And Marius is all like "Grr, I hate you, old man!" so he runs away again, crying like a little girl.

The next day, the students revolt 'cause Lamarque died and they build barricades and stuff. And then Gavroche ends up being a total badass like his sister and tells Enjolras that Javert is a spy. GASP. I know right! So they tie him up.

Marius shows up at 55 Rue Plumet but finds out it's abandoned and he cries some more. But then he hears a voice which tells him that his friends are waiting for him at the barricades. So he goes there and everyone's fighting. Marius picks up a powder keg and a soldier points a musket at him but then someone grabs the muzzle and brings it away from Marius. Then Marius saves the barricade by almost blowing it up and the National Guard runs away. Marius goes to check on the smaller barricade and finds it's deserted but then a voice calls out to him. The same voice that called out to him from the gates in the Rue Plumet. Only now it is no more than a breath. At first, Marius is too blind to see anyone and has to be told to look down in order to see this mystery person that he's too blind to recognise. It's Eponine. She is dying, it was she who took the shot meant for Marius. She admits that she led him there, that she hid Cosette's letter to him, that she wanted to die before him. At this point, Marius is kneeling on the stone and Eponine's head is on his lap. After giving him Cosette's letter and getting him to promise to kiss her on the forehead when she dies, she closes her eyes and remains motionless. Then, just as Marius thinks her dead, she opens them, revealing the sombre depths of death and whispers in a voice whose sweetness seems already to come from another world, "And then, do you know, Monsieur Marius, I believe I was a little in love with you." she tries to smile again and dies. Marius kisses her on the forehead.

Marius goes into a tavern to read the letter, which is from Cosette, and then sends Gavroche to deliever the reply. Gavroche gives it to Valjean who's just like "Aw hell nah! Some revolutionary loves MY daughter!? 2460DONE with this shit. Let him fight and die." But then he ends up putting his National Guard uniform on and leaving along with a gun and ammunition, and he heads towards the barricades.

**Thus concludes volume IV**


End file.
